blogs May 2009

21.07.09

Walking with God

Today I didn’t go on my five mile dog walk, and I totally missed it.

I missed walking up the hill past the ancient old church, which mysteriously seems to draw me in.  Once upon the hill, past the golden drifting fields, the warmth of her holy stones, and her wild garden of antique graves, pulls me to a sanctuary which is a highlight in my day.  Secure right on top of the hill.

I touch her wooden arc and then go down the hill the other side, and then up again past the old tidal mill, with its breath taking landscape.  On my way back down past the tidal mill, past the old gatehouse farm, her beautiful All Saints presence, is just as illuminating.  She calls me back up the steep lane, and at the top she breathes peace over me, whilst I stop and meditate on the beautiful view.

God is here.  I am not sure entirely where, but He is here.  In the stately peace.  In the breath taking landscape.  In the lovingly worded gravestones.  And in me.       He holds me here, whilst I contemplate my place, before I head back to life, and my lovely community and companions.  Whom one by one, seem to continuously slip through my fingers like the breeze.

Random thoughts drift through me.

"Once when I was nineteen, somebody saw me as a temptation, that they seemingly couldn’t resist.  I have let go of that now, and I don’t ever want to be seen as a temptation again.

For although I Love deeply, and express my Love truly, I am bestowed with a faithfulness so powerful, that even if I dreamt of loving beyond, That Love would be my gift, of a life time of faithful friendship, eternal and God Blessed, and forever under His intentions.

Sometimes I am not sure, if having the integrity of a writer, who writes from deeply within, is a blessing, or a burden!  I know that when I write in this way from deep down inside, I am articulate, and yet in person my words are frustratingly fumbling, even when my eyes are full with honesty.

At the moment I am reading ‘The life of Saint Theresa of Avila By herself'.  Brilliant for learning about prayer.  Her birthday is only one day before my own.  And her busy ness with her words makes me smile.  I recognise so much of me in her, though of course, none of the saintliness, neither none of the naughtiness, for although at times I am sweetly wild, I am also boringly good.

Thank you God for being with me.

Amen" x

Heading back home to my people now.  Today's spiritual dog walk is over xx

True Love

At the weekend  a dearest and bestest old friend and I, happened to be at the same special occasion.  It was as if the years that had past between us, had fused together leaving no gap.  It was as if time were bridged.  And the love and warmth which we felt for each other, was as strong and as deep as I remembered it to be, when we saw each other frequently.

There is something deep down inside which holds us together in friendship, and can not be divided by distance, or lack of contact, or circumstance.  This friendship is so very much more than practical. We embrace a mutual affinity beyond our daily lives.  It is spiritual, it is eternal, and it is God Blessed.   

Then I got to thinking about the especially,  uniquely close and sharing friends, that one may be blessed enough to meet, so very rarely in a lifetime. That I have even deeper and more intimate feelings for.   And of how, or why, or what it is, that makes these special relationships so very much greater and more special than other friendships.  

The initial connection which strikes like a lightening bolt in the first place.  Startling is its power.  A look which penetrates the essence of ones being, rather than stopping at the eye.  A fusion of spirits that resonates time and time and time again, without falsify, when ever paths cross.  A  transcendent presence of unexplainable energy which fills one with immense tenderness, intense gratitude and an all encompassing, unifying, holistic warmth that one can only assume is Love in its deepest truest form imaginable. 

Not sacrificed in lust or self gratification, not depleted or exhausted by social networking, but lovingly understood, and nurtured, and then absorbed and held sacred in the very temple of ones  soul.

An experience for which I am profoundly and eternally grateful x

16th June 2009 

The gift of belief

“The gift of belief is a blessing, enjoy it! Be happy, and don't worry about the ways and means. There is no proof of anything, we none of us know what happens after death. Faith is acceptance without proof.  The body dies and decays and that is the end of that part of us, but it is recycled into life, which is a nice thought.  The holiest of priests, the greatest of theologians, the cleverest of philosophers, cannot tell us what happens to our spirit, they don't know, and can only do just what you and I and everyone else does, accept that we don't know. I think pehaps Christ's greatest teaching was to be able to accept, and even he had doubts in the Garden. We are all flawed human beings, nobody should expect us to be good, strong, beautifuil, clever all the time, and I am sure if God expects anything of us, it is not that. An "A" for effort is about as much as we can reasonably hope for”

Violet Marriot M.B.E

(My favourite old lady in the whole wide world)

Every time somebody dies and it hurts,  I go to church to get answers.  And Its just dawned on me that the reason I am not getting any answers is because there aren't any.  Peaceful now x

Amb x

14.June 2009

Stepping Stones

 “To my surprise, I’ve found that the spiritual training I had has really bitten deeply into me.  Now, the procession of the liturgical year has become of immense importance.  Now, contemplation holds me spellbound.  I have become deeply convinced that the human person is a transcendental creature, capable of a deep personal relationship with the infinite source of being, and destined (well this is what I’ve come to believe, how could I possible know?) for a further experience of universal consciousness after the severely limited earthly restrictions of this one.”

Thomas Jackson x St Benedictine Monk

I have ordered Mother Theresa of Calcutta’s book.  I understand that some have found her sisterhood controversial.  But I can not deny the simplicity and truth of her words especially about raising children and the love that makes them flourish.

If St Augustine who said ”I have learnt to love you to late, Beauty at once so ancient and so new!” (how beautifully put) and mother Theresa, both struggled with their faith for most of their lives what hope is there for the rest of us?

Ill leave you with two of her prayers the first one of which I think is beautiful

p.s If any of you have a problem with Jesus maybe exchange his name for the word Love x 

Dear Jesus,

Help me to spread thy fragrance everywhere I go.

Flood my soul with thy spirit and love.

Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly

That all my life may only be a radiance of thine.

Shine through me and be so in me that every soul I come in contact with may feel thy presence in my soul.

Let them look up and see no longer me but only Jesus.

Stay with me and then I shall begin to shine as you shine,

So to shine as to be a light for others.

Isn’t that just beautiful x

And the next prayer was found on her wall.

And seems very apt for me at the moment as I am feeling misinterpreted.  Or rather wrongly perceived.  It seems that the silence that I would rather not walk through, will be the only stepping stones before me, a one way route with only one person crossing at a time.  (whether I want that route or not!)

Angel of bread and heaven hold me x

People are often unreasonable,
Illogical, and self-centered,
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of
Selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some
False friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
People may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,
Someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you feel serenity and happiness,
They may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
People will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
And it may never be enough,
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see in the final analysis,
It is between you and God;
It never was between you and them anyway.

Sweet God Bless Amber aka moonchild xxx.

56th verse of the Tao Te Ching

“Those who know do not talk.

Those who talk do not know.

Block all the passages!

Close the mouth,

cordon off the senses,

blunt your sharpness,

untie your knots,

soften your glare,

settle your dust.

This is the primal union or the secret embrace.

One who knows this secret

is not moved by attachment or aversion,

swayed by profit or loss,

not touched by honour or disgrace.

He is far beyond the cares of men

yet comes to hold the dearest place in their hearts.

This, therefore, is the highest state of man.”

26 May 2009

Mrs Rose tinted glasses has a bad day

Today I want to storm around to my little church, burst through the doors march up to the altar and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream till I collapse on the floor all screamed out. 

My husband has gone to the funeral of the Daddy of a little boy in my daughters class at school.  Friends wait for results of life threatening illnesses.  I am feeling bruised and angry and frustrated and tearful at life,s cruelties and twists and turns.

But I wont go round to my little church and scream,  I'll probably give everybody that crosses my path a hard time and scream at them, whom I Love and then eventually after the tears have stopped Ill go to bed and pray for a little more grace.  Stupid life.

24 May 09

Bridget Jones

I’m am sure The film Bridget Jones Diary was previously named Amber Giles Diary, changed at the last possible chance to save me any more embarrassment.

I often wonder why it is, that God gave me my personality?  Or anyone else theirs for that matter.  Why is she so articulate and me so searching for the right words?  Why is he so shy but so perfectly confident in his quietness and me so outgoing and so perfectly unconfident on the inside?  How is it possible that I can be two contrasting opposite ends of the same stick at once?  What a funny, bizarre and awful combination to have to conquer. 

My personality with its bitter sweet voice.  I often get home and cringe excruciatingly at my days liaisons.  Being a friendly out going personality who is chatty, too honest and expressive, I often say things on the spur of the moment and then spend the next few hours, days, weeks dying quietly in the corner.  Feeling incredibly unearthed and exposed.

Even worse I feel nervous sometimes to say things and hold back and then all of a sudden it spurts out too fast all over enthusiastic and wrong. 

Worse still I often feel the things I want to say inside of myself for a good while before I build up the confidence to say them. And after consciously and strategically planning the best ways to introduce my subject into the conversation, I stumble and fall flat on my face.  I regularly die a thousand times and  wish I hadn’t bothered.

I often wake up in the morning and shockingly, nervously, cant believedly grasp that I was so bold in my communications the day or eve before.  “Post it in the out box first and read it a couple of days later before you press send”  one dear friend teaches me.  But that organized sensor ship doesn’t appear to be something so easily learnt when you’ve my personality.

And yet on other days things roll effortlessly off my tongue, conversation flows, confidence blooms and I am momentarily an articulate bright and confident person.  I wonder which of the two is the real me and which is the imposter.

I laughed this weekend, in a couple of difficult situations I cracked a joke, rather unconfidently and didn’t quite pull it off.  And I sensed people looking at me with that sideways glance thinking (is she for real.)

My heart seemingly rules over my head.  My tongue seemingly rules over my brain and yet, I can sit and write a poem or build a picture with my writing and with a nip here and a tuck there I usually manage to tweak it to my own happy content perfection.

I hope my ways are enchanting or amusing or endearing to the outside world and not thought of as something rather more negative or irresponsible or an embarrassment.  Maybe it could just squeeze through as being refreshing (somebody so breath takingly honest)

This is my disclaimer,  I would not like to be held responsible for all Bridget Jones moments, as I believe my personality was given to me in a moment of amusement on the almighty ones part.  Not to mention the blushes thrown in free of charge for good measure.  I’ve tried loosing it,  I’ve tried locking myself up, it doesn’t work and so now I humbly just try living with my personality and feel quietly confident that, I am a master of the art of dying exposedly and humiliatingly in public or alternatively and hysterically and painfully in the corner.

Bridget Jones embarrassed by exposing her giant tummy hiding knickers, aaaahhhh Pants to that.  I wear mine on my head all day every day.  Bridgit Jones eat your heart out.

9th May 09

Our childrens baptisms

It was a truly amazing day. The children were totally excited they opened their cards and little personalized bracelet’s and necklace gifts bought by two dear old lady friends.

I received a much needed blessing from a dear absent friend.

We had one of our special champagne /fresh orange and smoked salmon/scrambled egg breakfasts followed by croissants.  The children had the same with chocolate croissants.  Everybody was over bubbling with happiness.

The children all managed to stay perfectly clean and each one looked so beautiful.

Just before 12.00  we all skipped, ran and strolled round to the quaint little church in the shining sun.  We welcomed and hugged our two special guests and greeted all of our gorgeous Godmothers, they really all are my favourite people in the world, including one who was I know, here in spirit. 

Our darling Father started off by genuinely saying what a privilege it was, for him to be taking the service.  With holy water he blessed the children’s individual brightly hand painted, fair trade wooden crosses, which I chose for them, as a gift to remember their special day. 

He then did a lovely special prayer for my Daddy who had died almost 4 years ago to the day.

Then the baptisms took place, our five beautiful little children with all their individual lovely little characters shining through, so bright, so wise, so young, so good and so full of love.

Officially recognised and accepted into Gods family and to have our children so aware of the service and so understanding of its meaning was perfect.      It was such a big step for me.

Our lovely Father finished off with a prayer first for mummy and then for Daddy.  We all kissed and hugged and then strolled back home, renewed, strengthened, energised whole and full to the brim with love.

We had champagne toasts and afternoon tea and pretty little white floral faerie cakes, which a sweet friend made as a gift.  And scones and cream and a bowl of fresh mixed berries.

The garden looked glorious with all its flowers and the first margarites opening especially to greet us. Throughout the afternoon  the children played and chatted and gave out gifts to all the guests of a little photo in a love heart frame, of all the children taken the night before.  And a little faerie card which they all signed.

I never wanted the day to end.  So much sunshine, So much Love.  So much happiness.  Late afternoon my dearest people left for home.  The children looked like children that had had a wonder filled day, scruffy, dirty, and ruffled with love and treats and more love.

They were bathed clean and tucked up in bed and I hugged and kissed each of them and asked if they felt loved by God and they all said “yes” and little Meadow said “yes, and Mummy I feel Jesus’ presence in my body”.  So wise for a 5 year old.

It was so worth the long journey and the wait to reach this special place.  I don’t think I have ever slept so sweetly.

Thank you