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blogs archive aug-oct 09
Sept 24th 09 Me time. Today was beautiful. At 8.45 I dropped Eliza at the childminders and I walked quietly round to our little church. I lit a candle for my Daddy and then sat at the back in my usual seat. There were shafts of hot bright sunlight magnified by the glass windows. The church felt blessed. There are only ever a handful of people at mid week mass and sometimes being a late starter you can feel quite self conscious. But not today, today was beautiful, and simple and easy. I was there because I love my Daddy who died four years ago. Yesterday the 23rd of September was his birthday. 64 this year. 59 is So young to die. Yesterday I placed some bright yellow roses, fern and some shocking pink carnations in a simple little jug on the table next to Dads photo. The children said a prayer for him. A little bit mumble jumbled but Dad would have laughed. God I miss him so much. More than you can imagine anyone would miss their Daddy. Yesterday I was given the key to our little church, and I snook into the little chapel and lit a candle. I was the only person inside. The silence was deep and beautiful. I shut my eyes and I cried and cried and cried. And when I opened them I looked at Jesus on the cross, on the wall in front of me, and I kept on crying and he looked right back at me it seemed, just holding me there. To be very smiley and happy on the outside is all very well, but sometimes I just want to collapse in to a heap and be hugged till the tears have stopped. Later I went on a five mile hike. That’s always good and quite often spiritual. My healthy mind and healthy heart therapy. This week is really difficult. Somebody I love is leaving. I use the word love, but it is far bigger than love. It is AGAPE, the love that God has for us. Unconditional Love. A deep love which you can feel from the very depths of ones soul, an untainted and unexpected love. Like that first deep Love you feel for your new baby, an almost still umbilically attached Love, a Love not entirely separate from self. Difficult to explain, even more difficult to express, best held in silence too I imagine, (rather, I have learnt!). People's reactions and perceptions and interpretations of me and the way I
express myself, throw me off kilter all the time. With often the two ends
not meeting. Conversation absent. Silence sad.
St Paul Corinthians 1.13.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not Loving kindness, I am nothing. And although I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not Loving kindness, it profiteth me nothing. Loving kindness suffereth long, and is kind; Loving kindness envieth not; Loving kindness vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked,
thinketh no evil; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Loving kindness never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in
part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. nd now abideth faith, hope and Loving kindness these three; but the greatest
of these is Loving kindness.
“may a slow wind work these words of love around you, an invisible cloak to mind your life” xxx God bless you forever Amber xxx
September 1st 2009 Peace Deep peace of the running wave to you Deep peace of the flowing air to you Deep peace of the quiet earth to you Deep peace of the shining stars to you Deep peace of the son of peace to you.
7 th August 09 Everything Changes Everything changes. Just as I feel secure and am ecstatically
happy with life, and feel that I just want to press the pause button, because
everything is perfect, Everything changes. Special people die, and life is never to be the same again. Dearest people move away, and the special influence they have on my life moves away with them, to bless others. Just leaving the trace of their being, and my stinging with missing them. And although the best of intentions is made for us to keep in touch, the
reality is that the distance between us dilutes the friendship, till it is of
homeopathic strength only. I have long distance friends, I know. All is
immediately healed when we are back in each others company, and perfect once
again, but its only temporary reprieve and the parting is all too soon
familiar. Do others feel like me? Heaven for me would be, all the people I love and have collected over the years living around one village green. Never to move away. Enriching each others lives. Building Love upon Love. Why would any body want to give away the things they Love and cherish.
Why would anybody want to give up on Love. If God is Love, why would we
turn away from Love. Why would we move else where and start again building
something we already had. Husbandy says I see everything in Technicolor, and others don’t. He often
says, as to how we see things in life, "It's all in the mind, my dearest".
My mind mostly! That's what he loves about me. Why doesn’t our conversation tackle the truths we feel inside, and why dont
we share our feelings and disappointments, and wonders and hopes, and Love as
often as we should. I’m approaching forty and I have just discovered on Radio 4 s ‘Something Understood’ programme, that apparently its not thought gentlemanly to express your feelings in public. Oopps! Why did God put my heart on my sleeve? Why do I find it so very easy to express the way I feel, and others do not? There are souls I love deeply, and I can not help but tell them. And my handful of special souls seemingly love me back. What makes some people shocked by my openness, and others accepting, and others amused, and others hospitable, and other understanding, and other grateful, and others no doubt mortified? On my way home, I find myself regularly taking a detour in my car, round the block, because I love to glimpse the position of the shadow, thrown by the simple plain cross on my church as it transiently moves through the day. It for some reason lifts me. When I’m out alone walking, and I pass the people I love in their cars, their very presence lifts me. When I walk past my dear friends houses, the essence of those homes and the warmth radiating from within them, lifts me. When I hear a song and the lyrics are relevant, it lifts me. The people I Love, My handful of loves, lift me. And when there is a lack of contact or they are not close, or they move away, I feel flat and sad and unmotivated, and my spirit feels lack lustre and I don’t feel fully alive. And the promise of eternal life with them, is not what I would choose, if I could choose to live along side my handful of Loves right now, until the day I die. My handful of loves, are my dearest scattered people and friends, that one holds so very close in ones mind, and as very treasure in ones heart. Irreplaceable. Thank you Dear God that I am blessed with my beautiful family. x
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